Excerpts from the JESUS DIARIES:


Date: Feb 12th

Went this afternoon to a brisk. Ouch! That’s gotta hurt! What were my people thinking? Now I understand why we men feel a connection between sex and pain. It’s silly to think now that for the longest time in my boyhood, my mother warned me against touching myself because she was afraid that with my powers I would try to grow my foreskin back.


Date: Feb 15th

Was out on the boat today with a few of the crew and quite impressed them with my ability to calm a storm. Although I learnt this from John the Baptist, my daring older cousin, what I also learnt was that it was a great way to make all the fish come up to the top of the water, where they are easier to scoop up in the nets and one can feed like the lord for days.


Date: Feb 21st

Wow! Healed a guy’s camel today and he offered me his wife! I declined politely as I didn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings although, by today’s currency exchange it was actually a very good deal. When I later told Joseph he then told Mother and she screamed at me for refusing help she could have used in the house. This despite the fact that I’ve left home now and she doesn’t have to clean up after me anymore.


Date: March 4th

Still haven’t been able to find someone who can relate to this halo problem I’m having. I have come upon more than one traveller during my evening meditational walks who have been scared boneless by the sight of a bouncing yellow circle coming towards them. Especially after having been all day in the burning sun I’m not always so easy to see at night. I’ve even been mistaken for a UFO and chased away with sticks by the Lebanese. And then there is the problem that I may be enjoying a rather sweet and sensual dream when it will just come on like a nightlight, the effect being akin to having a bucket of cold water thrown on your bottom. I mean, let’s face it. How seriously can I be taken as a Messiah if I can’t control my halogen output? 


Date: March 16th

Must work on what jealousy remains in my heart. Beneath a tree yesterday on the hillside, Tobias, one of my newer members was playing beautifully on his ‘zabac’ a stringed instrument to a few of us gathered there, which included a stunning gentile maiden who looked about 17 (if you know what I mean). When she began to swoon in Tobias’ direction a feeling of possessiveness came over me suddenly and I thought quickly: ‘verily I am the lord, not he’. Then as suddenly out of nowhere came a lightening bolt that struck the top of the cypress beneath where we sat whereby the gathered thronged out as fast as they could. In truth (and I am nothing if not honest), it wasn’t that I really wanted the girl. I just didn’t want Tobias to have her. After all how many people have lined up to touch the hem of his garment?


Date: March 30th

Rough day yesterday. Magdalene had seen some lipstick at the bottom of one of my robes and went ballistic in the way unique to middle eastern women, lots of wailing and glottal stops. I told her that I couldn’t be held responsible for who chooses to kiss my robes, and why shouldn’t there be some perks for the son of man? She was especially incensed when she heard that I had taken 20 years off a woman’s age by blowing on her face. Sometimes it’s like I can’t do anything without pissing off someone else.


Date: Apr 13th

A Friday the 13th! The politics of being the Lord sucks! Earlier this afternoon I, armed only with my loyal and trusted Peter was accosted by a coalition of Muslims and vegetarians for eating a ham sandwich (I know that the Muslims technically haven’t been invented yet but don’t forget I have long vision and these were their predecessors who didn’t know what to call themselves until Mohammed showed up). Just to have some peace and to calm a restless Peter, I focused and turned my sandwich into an onion baguette and then told them verily to French off and mind their own business. Man, the Gaul of some people…


Date: Apr 23rd

Had to go to the tribunal today along with other local registered Messiahs for an orientation meeting with the famous Pontius Pilate. He requested to meet me privately, as he said he’d heard quite a lot about me and was glad that I could come. I guess I expected someone more manly in appearance and Joseph once told me as a boy that lisping men with power are not to be trusted. I was asked by my host rather shyly if I would mind taking a look at his lower back which he had strained while working out a set of gruelling exercises which he was to be credited with. Apparently it’s something called Pilates.


Date: May 1st

I had a dream visitation last night from Moses! Cool, it was awesome, as Moses is one of my heroes and mentors. Though I was taught by the old school not to worship false Gods, Moses doesn’t count because Moses was a man. Besides even Messiahs need role models. Moishe told me how proud he was of my efforts and that Krishna, a dear friend of my fathers from way back also sent his love and salutations. He caught me up on some divine gossip and told me that the father was thinking of cancelling this years’ horseshoe tournament because with Bacchus now back in heaven, last years got a bit out of hand. And it took the cleaners two extra days to clear the fields. Moishe said that the father reckoned badminton might be better for this year’s festival. He said that God told him that since Bacchus’ last stint on earth, anytime he sees a group of people drinking he assumes it to be his party, takes over and gets everyone blitzed and irresponsible. That he’d once sent Bacchus (who now belligerently insists that we call him Dionysus) to fetch a pail of milk and he came back three days later with a hangover and six milk maidens. Nothing seems to trouble Mo’ much and he laughs easy. I am still getting there as sometimes it is incredibly lonely here. He told me before I awoke that just from one brother to another to keep an eye out for Judas and all other self haters. I agree, which is why I’ve stopped dating his sister.


Date: May 13th

Walking across Galilee who else did I run into but my old grade school history teacher Lol Akbar! I enjoyed his class especially since there wasn’t as much history then so the class was short and to the point, which basically boiled down to the fact that everything bad that happened was my people’s fault. We retired to a tavern and he shared with me something which until now I hadn’t known. He had come by my house once in my absence and told mother that he thought I had all the signs of a Messiah complex and that Mary without missing a beat explained that it was only natural that a young Messiah would, for who else would have these complexes but Messiahs since they are after all Messiah complexes. Flabbergasted, he apologized for his presumption to mother and begged his leave but not before she had asked him to deliver a basket of eggs to her friend Olivia two villages away. Although he lived a village away in the opposite direction, he gladly accepted what he felt to be chastisement for butting in. He said he definitely could see who wore the pants in the family although as far as I can tell Joseph never minded as he never wore pants anyway.


Date: May 19th

Humility can come in the smallest ways. I can calm rough seas and even bring the elderly back to their youth and raise the pulse of the dead but for the life of me I still can’t get that damned floater to keep still in my eye when I’m trying to focus and meditate.


Date: May 28th

What is it with Jewish women? Will it ever be possible to have both Mother and Maggie not be mad at me at the same time? The moment the one stops breaking my balls, the other begins. Making one happy seems to always make the other cry and I’m at my wits end. Blondes are starting to look a lot more attractive to me than they used to, not to mention those sweet hipped Palestinian girls who wash their hair by the river.


Date: June 4th

Sometimes I miss when I was more ignorant of who I am. Each has an idea of me which they expect to be the me that I am and a me that they can never really know. It is sometimes a burden so great that I have to go off into the sands all alone and do whatever I have to do to keep it together. John the Baptist used to tell me in the wilderness that when all was said and done being us was a lost cause, the pay was bad and sex was forbidden (although John never let that steal his youth away from him) and that furthermore only sick people were attracted to us. Maybe he’s right but then again, he was a manic depressive and could get heavy at times.


Date: June 5th

Wow, that last entry was heavy wasn’t it? Was I verklemmt or what? Who needs all of this tsouris ? Note to self: lay off the red sea crab grass on an empty stomach.


Date: June 17th

I did it, I did it! Yesterday at a party for John the lesser’ cousin (called Johns’ cousin the lesser) I finally managed to turn goats milk into beer! You should have seen the head on the beer, rich, creamy and foamy and it only took about ten minutes more focus time than my water into wine presentation. Everyone got nice and toasted. I laid for a while after in the grass content and in one of those moments when I feel the privilege in being who I am. Then I got up and made a quick departure when I heard the Lebanese were coming. There weren’t many unmilked goats left and the Lebanese can really drink!

These writings are dedicated to Maestro Richard Pryor and Stanley Williams.